Friday, October 21, 2016

Accidents Happen and Then You Get Rich

I sideswiped a car today pulling out of a parking lot. I'm not even sure how it happened. My horoscope didn't mention a side swiping at all. Maybe it's because I ate gluten last night. Or maybe because I haven't slept in a year and a half.    

Knowing my luck they'll probably try to sue for damages, including their vehicle, bodily injuries, emotional and psychological damages, their dog's emotional and psychological damages... There wasn't even a dog in the car but it's traumatized vicariously through its owner or something. People are crazy like that. One time I was backing out of a parking space at a half mile per hour and hit the side bed of this crazy woman's big truck in my tiny Honda and she claimed severe bodily injuries, missed work, etc. She was probably in her 50's and had an insane amount of glitter in her hair. I told the insurance company the woman was clearly crazy as indicated by the quantity of glitter, but they paid out anyway. God I can't wait to get hit by a car. Fucking jackpot.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Honest Motherhood

So I'm doing this crazy elimination diet to try and cure my stomach problems that have been going on for about a year now. Bryan has had it up to here with my weird diets I'm always doing and I can't blame him. But also, I've shit my pants twice this year so maybe he can see why I'm incredibly motivated to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.*

The diet I'm doing this time is from some random book I found at the library and involves eating nothing but bone broth, meat, fat, four vegetables and herbs for a month and then reintroducing one food every three to four days. I've gone a full week so far with a few cheats - half a banana, some coconut butter, and most recently, one of those Justin's packet of maple almond butter that I shame-ate alone in my car in the Whole Foods parking lot.

I've been getting mad cravings for anything that isn't carrots and have started doing that thing anorexic people do where they look at food pictures online and think about how much they'd love to eat everything but then they just eat a low-fat Triscuit instead. Or they smell other people's food, which is what I do every morning with Bryan's coffee and toast with butter and jam while I have a cup of herbal tea and eat carrot sticks. I find myself scrolling through Pinterest for food porn to drool over while I wait for my veggies to steam and my meat chunks to get over cooked. l'm slightly worried for my mental health and also worried that my skin will turn orange from my mass carrot consumption but the thing is, I'm actually starting to feel better. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or in my case, really wanting a chocolate donut before I go insane but really not wanting to shit my pants again. I know, I know. "We've all been there, girl!" you say. It just helps to share my story. Go eat donuts for me, please.

*Is that what they call an "overshare?" All these moms are constantly posting pictures on Instagram of their kitchens with dirty dishes, a pile of laundry or a selfie with a glass of wine with hashtags like #honestmotherhood and #reallife and people respond with affirmative comments because, what do ya know, they have a pile of unfolded laundry and are drinking wine too! Do other people also shit their pants but are too humble enough to seek out solidarity? Is this real life or just my life? Well, either way, let's lift the silence. #ishitmypants #mymotherhoodismorehonestthanyourmotherhood

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

I Hate it When...

...I get to sneak away to a restorative yoga class I'm desperately in need of but I somehow end up next to that person who's so unsocially conscious they take up as much space as possible even though, hello, this is community yoga, hence less space for all, but she's all up in her oblivious zone, props splayed out everywhere, breathing loudly, taking liberties with her poses in the most distracting ways - like making blanket forts while everyone else is in child's pose - and just when I think she can't get any more annoyingly relaxed, she farts. Part of me is like, bitch, I'm trying to savasana over here! But then the zen part of me is like, ok, at least her fart is contained in her weird blanket fort, and then I close my eyes and think about food and feel myself transcend, transcend, transcend.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

4am Pickle Party


Theo has decided his new wake up time is four in the morning. And that's not a pop up and cry for a second and then be soothed by some milk while he falls back to sleep on top of me kind of wake up because he does that all night long already. This is a wide eyed and bushy tailed, yelling out random words and ready to play and eat pickles kind of wake up. So that's what we do now.

We go back to bed when most people are waking up, and that's when I get weird dreams - ones that haunt me all day and make me feel like my waking life is surreal. This morning I spent the whole dream trying to find my pink bicycle helmet. In my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't find it but I couldn't stop looking. There were helmets everywhere and I could have taken any of them, but I didn't. I needed my goddamn pink one.

I don't even own a bicycle helmet. Does it mean I should get one? A pink one? Is it a metaphor? If so, what is it a metaphor for? Should I stop eating pickles? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

So many questions and I have no answers. This is why I don't do drugs.