Monday, January 30, 2017

Things I Never Thought I'd Say This Week

Why can't you just sit still and watch TV?!

Great underwear necklace honey.

Are you kidding? Clifford original is way better than Clifford Puppy Days!

Here, I'll eat the banana you just spit out of your mouth.

We don't pee in the sink.

Geez, Curious George is kind of an asshole, isn't he?

But I'm tired of drawing fish with hats.

No, you can't have mama's pills.

Because they're MAMA'S pills.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Coffee with a Side of Rodent

I was at Ristretto drinking coffee and trying to accomplish things when a mouse ran by me.

"OH MY GOD THERE'S A MOUSE," I may have yelled while a coffee shop full of people looked up from their computers to stare at me for maybe a second. They could not have been more unimpressed. Except one guy, who was pretty hot, jumped into action.

"Whe was ee? Lemme at im!"

That's my best British accent. He didn't have one but I like to remember it that way. And the barista didn't give a fuuuuck. If anything he got more relaxed with his beanie getting even slouchier, probably practicing his latte art. I mean, hopefully. I'm sick of seeing those stupid heart flowers, you one trick ponies. Would it kill you to exercise some creativity? Maybe do a mouse since you have a live, nude model running through your establishment eating scone crumbs from the worst pastry I've ever had. I couldn't eat more than a bite, which is saying a lot for my sugar-addicted ass. Tasted like a hunk of flour with some sugar paste jizzed on it.

I told hot guy the mouse had made its escape. "Just don't let it get your scone," he said jokedly.

"Oh, the mouse can have it," I replied, smiling at him as I cried a little on the inside because I'd wasted somewhere between three and four dollars. I'm still going to give it four stars on Yelp though because it's within walking distance to my house and they have a table outside where I can post up while Theo runs around and splashes in the water, which might also be a bowl for dogs. It's unclear.