Thursday, February 23, 2017

Date Night

Since Theo's birth, date nights are more rare than... I'm trying to think of something rare but the first and only thing popping into my brain is a Wully-Wully, because that's all I've read today: Babar and the Wully-Wully, about a rare creature the elephant children find that the mean rhinoceros named Rataxes (wtf?) keeps trying to steal. I'm so dead inside I've almost circled back around to feeling again.

Anyhow, Bryan's family was in town so we left Theo with his grandmother so we could go bowling with Bryan's brother and girlfriend. I don't know who decided this would be fun. In my humble hometown, the bowling alley was old with disgusting green carpet, some barely functioning arcade games and a sleazy bar that served Miller Lite and frozen pizzas. This bowling alley was brand new, with a restaurant, two bars, giant screens above each lane showing music videos, and SO. MANY. LIGHTS. There were black lights, blinking lane lights, disco lights, a top floor full of flashing arcade games. The place smelled like sweat, germs, and seizures.

My idea of a good time is either napping or sitting on the couch alone in silence. So needless to say, the visual overstimulation was too much for my brain. I gave air hockey a shot, but the lights blared and the puck made a loud ding! every time it hit the side. I nearly short-circuited. And that's how I end up in the restroom. If I had a memoir it would probably be called Hiding in the Restroom, because that's what I do when I panic in public places. I lock myself in a stall, put my head between my knees, and engage in wishful thinking. As in, I wish when I walk out of the bathroom that my bad date will be gone. Or I will suddenly be sober. Or there won't be a rave outside. It's enough to calm me until I can rationally think of a plan to get the fuck out of there.

After ten minutes when I reemerged, the thrill of shoot-basketballs-at-a-tiny-hoop-until-the-clock-runs-out was over and they were ready to leave, thankfully. Then I made everyone wash their hands and get froyo, because I didn't want us to contract any weird diseases. And also I wanted froyo.


  1. The weird thing about date nights now a days is that when you do finally score a sitter and you're so excited to get out for a bit, you end up thinking about the baby and wondering how the baby is doing or what the sitter is doing or maybe the baby is being an asshole to the sitter. And then you decide, as much as you might want to, you probably shouldn't drink very much because trying to take care of a baby while nursing a hang over is probably the closest to hell on earth as you can get. Then, before you know it, it's 10:30 and you're thinking you probably should get back so you can get to bed at a decent time. Yay date nights!

  2. So true. Netflix and cold leftovers are the new date night.